Responsibility of the Soft Shoulder

“Debate thy cause with thy neighbour himself; and discover not a secret to another: Lest he that heareth it put thee to shame, and thine infamy turn not away.” (Pr 25:9-10 AV)

I know we have written of verse nine in previous devotions.  It is the responsibility of the offended to keep the offense between him or her and the offender.  There is no excuse for publishing abroad the wrong done.  Not even to family.  It should be no one’s business.  Unless reconciliation is impossible and the church must get involved, the matter must remain private.  However, as is the case with most of us, when we are slighted, we feel we must share it with someone.  We want sympathy.  We want empathy.  We want to gain some loyal compadres who will defend our side of the story if it comes down to it.  If we can gain enough support, then our case is, by sheer numbers, the right side of the case.  This is not what the Bible tells us to do.  There are many reasons for this.  First, it cuts off any hope of reconciliation no matter how humble the offender might be.  By getting others involved, he becomes defensive.  He may become hardened.  At the very least, he now feels the victim of mob justice and simply departs without any reconciliation.  He has no hope of a fair hearing, so he departs.  If his offense is a pattern of life, he departs with his offense creating another victim.  Leave it between thee and thy neighbor himself.

What we want to focus on this morning is verse ten.  Particularly, the obligation of the ‘another’.  The one to whom we flee when we feel we have been wronged.  It is assumed the ‘other’ will respond is such a way as to bring shame on the offended.  Note here the ‘other’ does not get to the offender on behalf of the offended.  The ‘other’ puts the accuser to shame for bringing his situation out in the open.  The ‘other’ does not tolerate complaints or accusations.  Even if the charges are legitimate.  He shames the accuser into keeping the matter private and going to the offender.  One wonders how many church problems could be kept to a minimum if the body practices this principle.  If the body of Christ would vow to one another they will not suffer and accuser one wonders how many matters would be considered too minor to cause strife, or how many matters would be handled in private.  I have seen my share of this in thirty-plus years of ministry.  A church can be torn apart because someone feels so slighted, they have to spill it to anyone who will hear.  It is our responsibility to turn a deaf ear, no matter how justified the accuser may feel.  It doesn’t matter if the accusation is true.  There is a process given to us in Matthew chapter eighteen.

What I also notice is the infamy which to accuser must deal with if he or she is in the habit of involving others every time they feel slighted.  The infamy is the accusation that was shared with someone other than the accused.  It is not turned away, or not reconciled.  This only goes to prove the point made earlier.  The more we are tempted to handle the slight in a semi-public manner, the more chance there is of never making it right.  And also note the infamy is inflicted on the accuser and not the accused.  In other words, the accuser has to live with the injustice as a permanent burden in which to carry.  Some people like it that way.  They like to play the victim card whenever they get the chance.  They don’t want reconciliation.  They don’t want to confront the offender and make it right.  They like having the upper hand.  The problem is, they live with that bitterness their entire lives and the offender, never allowed to make it right, repents before God, and learns to live with it.  We are not doing the accuser any favor by lending a sympathetic ear.  We are condemning them to a prison of bitterness of their own making.  Force them to keep it private and shame them for publishing their victimhood status.  Then perhaps they will take it to the offender and finally seek reconciliation.