Someone Has To Stop

“A brother offended [is harder to be won] than a strong city: and [their] contentions [are] like the bars of a castle.” (Pr 18:19 AV)

Solomon’s proverb here is a simple statement of fact.  There is no indication of who or what the offense was.  The offence could have been a legitimate one.  The opposite is just as likely.  The point our wise sage is trying to make is the inevitable complete severance of a relationship due to an ongoing dispute.  If you’ll notice the plural ‘their’ and the suggestion that the contentions are present tense and ongoing, one can see the obvious truth.  The principle is that for a brother to be won, someone must first stop the contention.  Someone has to lay down arms first.  The longer it goes, the harder those bars become.  The longer the offense goes, the more difficult it will be to breach the bars of defense that have been set against any further offense.  For a dispute to end, there must be trust.  Trust requires a bit of vulnerability.  This is impossible if the contentions continue and the bars become more numerous and thicker.

Bars are placed because an injury has occurred.  Somewhere along the way, something was said or done to cause one or both to erect safeguards against any further injury.  We saw this in our ministry to the military.  We served the Navy near Great Lakes RTC.  Our ministry enjoyed a good deal of naval personnel all of whom ran the gamut of rank.  From a lowly seaman who had recently graduated from boot camp all the way up to a Senior commander, we served many different service personnel.  Most of our guests were enlisted.  It was not out of the ordinary for our church would host families who knew each other.  Their sailor was stationed to the same ship as others.  So, when the sailor rotated to sea duty and then to a new shore duty station, it was not uncommon for them to do so with the same families in the same situation.  One would think that common rotation would bode well for long-term relationships.  But that was not the case.  At about the sixth month mark before their next rotation, separation anxiety would settle in.  The families that had rotated together began to be at odds.  The deeper the relationships, the greater the volatility to their contentions.  It was their way of dealing with goodbyes.  As some point, they had to see the greater good of protecting our nation than the establishment of deep relationships.  Until the bigger picture came into view, they were constantly at odds.

There is little we can do if we caused someone else to put up bars.  We cannot force them down.  The more we try to force them down, the more will take their place.  The only thing an offending party can do is to stop offending.  It takes time to remove those bars.  It takes vulnerability to remove those bars.  They cannot be forced down.  It requires the contention to cease.  It takes overtures that build trust.  It takes kindness rather than abrasiveness.  It takes friendship rather than adversity.  Solomon places no blame on only one party.  He encourages both to make efforts to restore.  The first step is to stop.  Then one goes on from there.